been awhile

well it's been awhile since I've been here. life has been pretty busy. of course i wouldn't have it any other way! so i bought a bunch of new suits along this journey thinking i would end up at a certain size, which i would have been perfectly happy with-and much to my surprise, i am going to have to get them all taken in because they are too big! lol what a problem to have right?
looking forward to this next 12 months of training for the big marathon bike rides.

we have a new initiative now also-we are gathering clothing, blankets etc any type of fabric and making quilts for teens who struggle with weight and other issues that lead to low self-esteem! if you have anything you want to donate-pls let me know!
thanks for hanging around

join my FB group

please jump over to the FB group Gut-Less Wonders and support our new effort of health and wellness

Now What?

now that the weight is gone, and the body begins to go through this new phase-of healing and recovering from all that excess-what's next? the eating pat is just a part of living, just a new way of life; more alive and fresh, more clarity to see beyond the fog and haze of today and into the brightness and warmth of the days ahead.
we begin this new journey by cycling through other places, both in a physical reality as a group and within a spiritual place that each of us must go alone. we will take this new path to step outside of ourselves and reach out to others who have no relation and from whom we get no other benefit other than to have that feeling within us that we have given rather than taken.
join us on this new journey. our new Facebook group is Gut-Less Wonders!

YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY BABY!

No-smoking a long skinny cigarette is not my idea of health-although most people may not even remember that Virginia Slims was the commercial that used that phrase to show women just how far they have come in the world-it was a post-feminism spot that was very successful for the company.
Cigarettes and health...advertising and women's rights? What is this all about????
The world of advertising is amazing-in both good and bad ways. I have always had a love for advertising. I have been creating ads for as long as I can remember (and according to my teenagers I am at least a century old! LOL). My formal, higher education, is in Marketing. Advertising is a slice of what marketing entails. I love to watch commercials, check out billboards, go through all the print media that hits my mailbox, etc.
Advertising, and the larger world of media in general, also has it's downside. From telling you why you need that extra patty on your bun (it's cheaper after all!) to the other extreme of the "fashion" industry.
It all comes down to this though: no one is forcing us to "drive-thru" or starve ourselves, or smoke, drink too much, gorge, puke, -whatever---buy a house beyond our means or any other thing that we do and when it back fires-look for someone to blame!
No company, no commercial, no product no endorsement made me get to the point that I was when I started this change in my life. I GOT ME THERE!
So now I am here. I'm here because I found something that really works. I found something that found something within me....something hovering just below the surface--screaming to get out---a voice that could not be heard through the layers, a sound muffled and shoved deep down beyond the place where I could hear it anymore.
That sound has rhyme and melody. A soothing, yet exhilarating beat like the waves crashing against the rocks. That essence has the sweet smell of the air just after a fresh rain on a warm spring day. A picnic I can share with others; and they with even more beyond my world.
This is what makes the effort worth it after all. The joy of seeing something become so much bigger and greater than oneself.
From Bernbach & Ogilvy to Carnegie & Buffet one thing remains: the best advertising is the one that doesn't have to be created, but rather, born--born from the heart of a great product, a great company and people who have a passion for something beyond themselves.

why the first pic

so people are asking me why I leave he day 1 pic up here. "aren't you embarrassed?" they ask...well the truth is YES I AM EMBARRASSED-I am embarrassed for that person back in March who had let herself get so far gone from being healthy. I am embarrassed that I had so little care for my own personal well-being that I chose not o do something about it a long time ago. What I am NOT embarrassed about is the fact that I finally threw down the towel and made a move. A move o make a change in my life. Now does this change affect the wold around me-in a way it does. My body looks beter of course but my mind and heart feel better-in tun I feel like I have a better outlook and attitude towards myself and the world around me. Change-that's all we heard last year-so when and where does that chang occur? It starts within. There is no way to change our world without starting at home.
change your mind
change your body
change your heart
change the world

Finally a new decade of weight!

Well I finally got into the 130 section! After three months and of course a little side stepping I have gotten past a new hurdle :) I thought about how far I would have been if I would not have taken that couple of weeks off and then I remembered where I started and how many times I never even got this far. From a size 16 to a size 8 is a damn good accomplishment and I have to just focus on that last lap :) The other day I put on a size 8 pair of jeans and thought I felt so fat-LOLOLOLOL how hilarious is that! All I had to do is take a quick look at my day 1 pictures and of course I instantly felt tons better!
So now the final stretch-well not really the finally stretch-maybe the final warm=up-life itself is the stretch. Keeping my health and weight are a part of the tools I need to do the things I am here to do.
Good luck to those who are just starting out-or just thinking about starting out. Every day is the chance to start something that will have a significant impact on the life you live.

final stretch

well the final stretch is upon us and although I have had a few weeks where things didn't go exactly as planned-I am still 36 lbs, 8 inches in waist, 10 inches in hips and 3.5 sizes smaller than when I started so no matter what the results in a couple of weeks, I have achieved a lot and when it comes down to it- I just FEEL better. I love trying on a pair of pants that I bought on sale cause they were cute (but two or three sizes too small) and have them be too big! It has cleaned out my closet and I am down to just about nothing to wear-but I will take that problem from the smaller size any day!
It's funny how we immediately get rid of our fat clothes-but we always hold onto our skinny clothes! This is great-I don't even have any clothes that are the size I am getting in to!
Other than just the outside-which I am NOT minimizing-it is VERY important-anyone who says it isn't important at all is lying!
I just feel better inside-physically and psychologically. Even when I do have something like a three-day weekend that is centered around eating, I don't feel quite as bad-knowing I am not going to gorge and also knowing even if I do eat more than I should (which I am much more aware of now) I have a system to get myself back on path and it is easy to do that-
ramblings after a great Memorial Day weekend with family and friends-and plenty of BBQ!

communication

funny how when you really look at things the single greatest factor to anything failing seems to be a lack of communication we assume people should know what we are thinking or doing without actually TALKING about it! someone has told me that i think i am better than others because i am a better communicator. what an insane statement! how can i be a better person if i don't communicate better? how can i better myself without always working on being a better communicator? if i don't consistently work on that and improve myself then am i lessor? i think so. if i am not moving forward then i am moving backward. that's my state of mind. i do not profess to have what works for you-only for me. so i don't think i am better than anyone else-i do think i am better than I was-yesterday---and not as good as I will be- tomorrow.

who is encouraging whom?

I find myself in a position of encouraging others. It's pretty much always been this way. I love to find something in another person that I think is amazing and really special. I love it even more when I can be a mirror for that person and let them see what I see. To be able to see beyond the surface is a gift. We all have that gift as children. Somewhere along the way we often lose it. We learn to filter our thoughts and insights to conform.
I feel blessed in many ways and one of them is my child-like ability to see. See things that should be obvious to everyone & see things that no-one else can see for whatever reason. Sometimes that ability is a curse. People don't always want to know what lies ahead, or is in their very current existence. The key to using the gift is knowing delivery-method and timing. I continue everyday to learn more and get better at-delivery.
Delivering encouragement is so satisfying. I get encouraged every time I am able to encourage another person-the look on their face, the spring in their step-it makes all the normal crap of everyday go away-if only for a moment.
I hold onto the moments-they are a gift.

BIG ideas

many times I get on a roll and the ideas just start flowing....sometimes they should really stay in the back of the closet but every once in a while one is so great that I just have to let it out-to see where it can go...see how people react-is it positive or not? is their response appropriate?? sometimes the idea is so far out there that it takes a while to catch on-I'm OK with that.

my first week in DECA ( a high school business class/club) I stated in my class "goals report" that my goal was not to make it to the National competition level-but to win when I got there-that seemed to be a ludicrous statement considering I had never taken a marketing class and there were others who were in their 3rd or 4th year and either gone and were going to make it again (thereby not leaving a position for this "newbie") or had never made it themselves. Well I made it to Nationals with relative ease-I didn't put much effort-as it just seemed so easy as it was...LOL what an arrogant thought! I didn't win the championship-a lesson in talent requiring effort to be REALLY good!

Anyway....my first college class was an English class where again we had to write our "college/life" goals. I was 26 at the time, with two small children and no prior college ( I think I graduated HS with like a 2.7 GPA!). I stated that my goal was to have my MBA, with Honors throughout, by the time I was 30. The professor tried explaining to me that these were supposed to be REALISTIC goals. I graduated Magna Cum Laude ( Dean's List, President's List...yadda yadda) with my Bachelor's degree three years later and a year after that earned my MBA with Honors. I thought about inviting him to my graduation ceremonies :)

All this is not to brag about what I did-after all, it wasn't really that hard. The most difficult part was getting people to believe that I could do it. The odds were definitely not in my favor...the ideas seemed to be preposterous to others when I said them aloud. But they were my ideas and I knew what the result was going to be....

After awhile I stopped trying to convince people of what could be done- I just went out and did it. Why is it that so many times in life and business we keep stopping and we look around for approval of ourselves and our ideas? Getting input and feedback is a VERY WISE thing to do-but sometimes you just have to step out there.....and when you step out there you have to be willing to lose some sleep, go hungry, cry, scream, sacrifice fun, work harder than you thought possible....and then gt up the next day and be willing to do it all over again....until you get there!

(BTW-once you get there-stop for a minute and enjoy the feeling-then start the process all over again!)

back pain

Tried to lift a box and KILLED my back! ARGH-just when I was finally getting back in the gym. Guess this is a good lesson in just taking a day off to take care of myself-when was the last time I did that!???!
Funny how I seem to be the one that always takes care of everyone else. I guess I tend to like it that way-but every once in a awhile I like to be the one being taken care of-not very often though-would rather be the care giver. Just need to learn to balance myself better so that I am not completely maxed out with the giving before I take time to allow myself to receive.
Worried about AM taking this trip to Zambia...she has a heart for this though so I have to have a lot more faith and know that she is doing what she is called to do...
hope this trip helps her to decide what she needs to concentrate on in college-she stresses about that-talk about having too many talents-so people may see that as a gift or a curse who knows...the curse comes in not knowing what to do with the gifts.............to whom much is given, much is expected

IN AND OUT OF A NEW SIZE

I never thought a "diet" would do me any good-will power is just not my thing when it comes to good food. Food is the center of a number of things we do-celebrate everything from birth to death...I just happen to like food-not like I gorge or anything, you just don't realize how many calories and how much fat you consume while you are having happy hour and hanging out with friends. You have to have chips n salsa with your mojito don't you know, and then you might as well have some queso and guacamole to go with that, right?! Low Carb has never been a good idea for me-or so i thought..I figured it was just a way to set myself up for failure.
Something happened today-I went to go put o a pair of slacks and couldn't find a pair to fit! that's how long it's been since I have beeen at this size-everything is too big :) I jumped on the dea of a nice suit-after all a year ago a got a number of them too small on purpose so that "someday" I would be able to wear them-THEY ARE TOO BIG!
so now I am actually wearing a decent size but don't have a thing to wear-LOL
I started down this path as an experiment, to check out a product I didn't know or necessarily think wold work as good as the claim.....pretty hard to lok at al the clothes o the floor and not believe this thing works :)

time to exercise???

The thought of exercising makes me tired :) although I always feel better once I leave the gym...it's the getting there that's the hard part! PLUS, MOST GYMS ARE FULL OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T LOOK LIKE THEY NEED T BE THERE. I guess that's the whole point of it-if you go on a regular basis-that's what will happen to your body. Eating better is only half of it. So....it's time to get serious and find a place to work out. I would really rather take my bike to the lake and ride, but I know that I need more than that. Besides, there's only 6 weeks left in the contest and I intend to win! I guess it's more than just that-although I do have a very competitive streak in me :) I really do feel so much better-but when I think of how great I will look and feel 6 weeks from now I get pretty excited about it. It's been a long time since I could actually feel comfortable wearing form fitting clothes. Why is it that when we gain weight we wear clothes that are even bigger? For one thing, it makes us look even BIGGER and another, we end up fitting into those clothes cause there's room to grow-talk about self-defeating behavior!!!!! There's an article coming out next week about the weight-loss clinic and Dr. Casad (the medical director) that interviewed me-they put the day 1 photo and the day 45 photo-OG did I realy look like that 2 months ago???? UGH. Oh well, I don't look like that now :)!!!!!!!!!!!!!

25 down-25 to go!

The smell of fresh pizza slowly fills the room with a wonderful sensation of goodness. My stomach revolts and my legs are leading me to the kitchen-but I CAN"T DO IT! I have come this far and I already ate mexican food yesterday :(. It never really seems worth it after I'm done.....Tomorrow I am going to put myself back on day 1 of the program. My BFF is starting the program and I have slacked off somewhat, so this will be a great time to jump start myself again. Plus, I am going to go back to the gym Y E A H!!! Funy how it takes so long to get in the habit of something good like the gym and only a few days to break it! Of course I want to win the contest so Brandy will have to dress up and we can all laugh and have fun at her silly expense (sorry brandy), but I also love the feeling of piling up a load of jeans and slacks to give away cause they are too big for me now! Oh yeah, there's the whole health thing-but honestly, that isnt what makes me do this day after day-I want to look good and in doing so-I feel good. I know I will be happy about being healthier-but right now I am just not there yet-I am in the superficial arena and I' OK with that-if that's what it takes for me to be healthier-so be it!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

week 8 and pic

well now that I am officially half way there I keep thinking about those two weeks when I either didn't lose a pound or gained a pound- I put myself two weeks behind where I wanted to be... and then I stop to think about the fact that I have lost 25 pounds! that's 6 inches off my waist and 8 pounds of junk out of the trunk! Guess I feel a whole lot better now than when I was thinking of those two lost weeks. I'm actually surprised I have managed this far anyway.....
lots of stress going on right now-my own stress and the friends with marital problems, health problems, business problems... and when I am driving in my car I can't help but let my thoughts drift to my dear friend Denise and how unfair it is that she didn't get to stick around this earth to see her kids finish growing up or take one more photo or time to laugh one more time about our crazy trip to Mexico....
I can't help shed the tears alone in my car. tears of anger and hurt and fear. tears of loss and lost opportunities. I want to hold even closer to the things in my life: the people who have made their way along my path at some point and at the same time fear the loss of them. I mourn. I mourn for the family of my friend. I mourn for the part of me that is so full of grief I have a hard time breathing some days. I mourn for the heart that seeks answers to so many questions.....
and I take one more step, one more breath....

tucked my shirt in!

today i tucked my shirt in my jeans for the first time in 6 yrs! woohoo. it's the little things that make a difference-that and getting rid of a whole stack of pants that are now TOO BIG!
great new snack/meal idea: take lettuce and roll up a thin deli slice of ham and a 1/2 a string cheese-this is so good and you can have four as a meal-although two are filling enough. add a little relish for some zang!

week 6

well i essentially stayed the same-actually i gained some last week and lost it this week so i thought i was down 24 lbs but i was actually down 20-so oh well. i did cheat a bit and the stress of denise dying took a toll on me this past week. but she made sure to encourage me everyday-the same way she did 15 yrs ago when i first started college-so this week's for her. i will be back on track and now have more reason than ever to do all i can to take care of myself. life stills throws us curves but i don't want to accelerate anything that i may be able to prevent.
seeing her kids at the chapel was hard-not only for their sorrow but for all the years in between that we all lost. no more putting off until tomorrow.
take time to go have lunch with a friend. no matter how tired you are-or how bad your day has been-it's important to take today and get everything out of it that you can. we are not promised tomorrow.

week 6 comng up

I am going to put myself back on the week 1 track to accelerate my progress I have gotten a little slack lately and need to install some serious discipline. Wish me luck. Been a rough week emotionally and its easy to let things become an excuse for slacking off................I have found some new recipes that should help-deli meat gets old after a while. The turkey pepperoni trick is a big help! thanks to all for your support.

Denise Moore Stokes

quite possibly the best friend I ever had died last night. makes everything else seem so small and irrelevant. makes my health seem all that more important. but sometimes even that isn't enough.
i don't have any doubt that Denise is, for the first time in over 20 yrs, in absolutely no pain. the pain is with us that are left to think about her not being here with us.
we hadn't talked in almost ten years. time and work and every other excuse just got in the way. what a lame excuse.....
so now i sit here thinking about the fact that i was supposed to go see her yesterday and i didn't.

looking otside of ourselves

part of being healthy is remembering that we need to be looking outside ourselves at others who have needs we can help with..i am very proud of my daughter for being selected to be a part of project nambia 09 (see the group on Facebook). a friend of mine has been talking some lately about heart health ( the emotional heart) and it makes a lot of sense. if we have ugliness and bitternes inside then no matter what we do to the outside we are still increasing our negative health risks. we are human and we have many shortcomings, but to ignore them is dangerous. this nation elected a president that stood on a platform of change and regardless of whether or not you, i or we disagree with anything else he says-one thing is sure: we need to make some radical changes and the only way to do that in a real and meaningful way is to change ourselves. make amends with someone, change an attitude we have, whatever it is-if we all make some change, if we reach out to others, from our neighbor to a stranger in a distant land-only then we will be who we were intended to be!

slacker week

well I gained a pound this week-I guess it was bound to happen. I can't imagine that it had ANYTHING to do with that mexican food I ate the night before weigh in! LOLOLOL well real life has to still take place. Lost 3 pounds of fat and gained 4 pounds of water so that's at least good :) Guess I better not decide to cheat the day before I weigh in-besides that mexican food gave me a headache and stomach ache-guess I'm not used to eating junk..... the fact of the matter is I'm still down 5 inches in my waist and when I started 16's were tight on me and now 12's are quite comfortable to the point that they are about to be too loose!
stay tuned............

week 4

17 lbs in 4 weeks!!! the program is working-or I am working the program. Either way-it's 17 lbs! I had the opportunity to talk with the people who created the program-it really does seem to be an amazing program. I am not to the point where I am willing to say that this is the absolute best program there ever was-but I think I am getting pretty close We'll see how the next month goes to make sure this first 4 weeks wasn't a fluke :) here's my 28 days later pic.

sitting in a room staring at the scale-obsessing about it-concentration lost on a piece of metal & wires...noise in the background--can't hear the words through the static between that piece of metal and my mind..
static heavy in the air
electronic pulses racing through my veins
the burn intensifies
fuel pouring itself upon the fire
my soul ablaze
will you feel the heat
if you get to close?
a waterfall flowing over me
i seek relief from this hell
a passionate flame
cannot easily be extinguished
an outlet for the
energy exploding from the core

week 3

well week three seemed to be ok. total weight lost now 14 lbs! very excited-anxious to reach that goal line. had a few hard days in there-but overall was best week yet. had the unique opportunity to get to visit with the founders of the company and really see the mindset of the organization. i went with hesitation that i might experience another one of those stand on your chair and chant type things :) i was pleasantly surprised to find a group of people who truly have the health of their clients at the heart of everything they do. trying not to be too "sold" on the product/service, but after meeting that group and talking about their past and future it's pretty hard not to be! interesting...optimistic but still cautious.
notes from a hard day last week to come :) thanks for cheering me on!

WEEK 3

WELL I LOS 3 LBS DURING WEEK 2. I WAS A LITTLE FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I ACTUALLY THOUGHT IT WAS 4-5 BUT 3 IS BETTER THAN NOTHING! I THINK I SLACKED A LITTLE KNOWING I DID SO GOOD THE FIRST WEEK. MAYBE GOING TO THE GYM HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT-WHO KNOWS BUT I AM NOT GOING TO OBSESS OVER IT. UP TO AT LEAST 45 MIN AT A TIME ON THE TREADMILL-BUT I WOULD RATHER BE OUTSIDE WALKING. HOPEFULLT THE WEATHER WILL PERMIT THIS WEEK WHILE I AM IN FLORIDA. PICS TONIGHT

W2 D6A

HERE I AM COMPALINING ABOUT MY FAT A## AND ONE OF MY VERY BEST FRIENDS EVER SITS BACK WHILE HER BODY FIGHTS HER EVERY DAY JUST TO TRY AND HAVE ANY KIND OF HEALTH AT ALL.
WHY DO WE NOT TAKE CARE OF OUR BODIES? WEIGHT IS REALY AN EASY THING TO MANAGE IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS. ITS NOT LIKE YOU CAN GO TO THE GYM AND WORK OFF SOME CANCER HERE AND THERE. BUT YET WE MAKE EXCUSES ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS TO LOSE WEIGHT OR GET IN SHAPE! HOW PATHETIC HAVE WE BECOME?

W2 D6

missed a few days trying to get a schedule set-added going to the gym-first day was great! felt so energized after :) second day was pretty good but today was the third day and I can definitly fel it.
I don't feel my mood swings as much as the people around me seem to see them. Have to work on that.
My daughter thinks I'm a little crazy to be doing this "in public". Maybe I am. This is becoming more than just a test to see if this MEDI program works. It has brought to the surface many things: personal, spiritual, professional, physical....
I used to spend time in my professional life working hard to make other people look good. Taking second chair seemed to be OK for me. Sitting in a meeting letting someone present MY work. Every good organization needs a good second in command, but to stand in the shadows when I know I need to be out front is an injustice to myself and to the group with whom I am working.

week 2 day 3

sorry forgot to post new pics-here is same pose week 2. a little change-but of course just the beginning....

went to the gym today for an hour and a half. suprised myself by staying on the treadmill alone for 30 min-that is a major accomplishment for me.

the worst part of the day is after 8pm..argh i just want something to munch on-for the sheer oral fixation i guess.?? who knows

the people at the clinic stress not to have anything after 7 and i am working on it.....if i really have to have something i go for the slices of turkey pepperoni in the microwave-it's the best-thanks Dr. Lopez for that tip! (just put 17 slices of turkey pepperoni in the microwave for 40 secs or so-nice crunchy snack for under a hundred calories :)

getting a little impatient...maybe the lack of caffeine?

isn't it funny how we slowly allow ourselves to become so dependent on all these vices?!

i don't want to be too dependent on anything-even health nuts can take it too far-what we (i) need to be focused on is finding some BALANCE....

day 2 of week 2

on a serious note: Although I had a good position and was well respected by my peers and all who had any work encounter with me, I held myself back. I couldn't fit into many of my nicer clothes and to put on a nice suit was out of the question! They hung in the closet as a constant reminder of who I was NOT. So I wore what would fit and acted as though that's exactly what I wanted. In a way it was-I'm definitely a jeans girl-but a nice tailored suit feels like butter on your back! Meeting with clients were messy days. What could I wear and still breathe? I had advanced as far as I was going to go.
An important meeting was coming up on the coast. The new guy (who was MANY rungs on the ladder and years my junior in the company)got to go with the boss. I prepared all the materials and sent them on their way. He fit in his nice suit. His appearance could help sell the concept. My resentment was seen by many. Although they said it was not because I didn't have the look to sell this big "client", I knew better. I once recommended a wonderful woman for an opening and was told she was nice and probably good, but she was "too big". I'm not complaining about THEM here- I am complaining about ME. The reality is that I need to make a change-not because of what someone said but because I need to know that I am doing all I can for MYSELF.
This is more than just about how I am seen in my profession. This is about how I feel when I see MYSELF. You can make the picture politically correct and talk about anything other than what it is.
The Attorney General said it well this past week: we need to talk about it. I HAVE BEEN A COWARD ! So I'm talking about this. I'm not a little chubby or just over worked or ANYTHING else! I started a 32 BMI. THAT IS OBESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I let myself get FAT because I was too LAZY to take care of myself. I spent too much time on everyone else and not enough on myself. So, I have taken a step toward LIVING. I'm not going to lie and say it is all a bed of roses but I'm not going to stop either.

week 2

week 2 has more things to eat and for some reason i have the munchies now more than ever! i wish it were going to be warm soon. hopefully tomorrow will be nice enough to walk down to the lake.
i thought about going for a walk AROUND the lake and then I realized....what am I going to do when I get half way around and can't go any more? call jacob? call vanessa? jim? daniel?...no way! they would get way too much of a laugh out of that. i would be picked up but the laughter would be heard all the way to ft.worth!
for now i will just walk TO the lake and maybe go a little way and then turn around. OMG i have completely let myself go-oh well, no sense in focusing on that-nothing i can do about the past expect talk about it over a bottle of wine (3 months from now when i can have wine again!) lol

first week weigh in

I LOST 7 LBS THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i know it won't be this much every week but it sure is a nice jump start. There may really be something to this MEDI-Weightloss center after all. Even the staff seemed to be suprised. This week I get to add some things to the food intake and also exercise-very happy about that. Not that I have EVER been happy about exercising....hmmm need to think about that more-why the heck am I so excited about "getting" to exercise? go figure. the air feels a little cleaner today....

DAY 6

woke up in a sweat thinking i was buried in a field of spinach....woke up and discovered that i wasn't which was actually disappointing! 1 1/2 more days and i can add some vegies back into the mix:) if, at 5, you would have told me that someday i would be begging for a bowl of spinach i would have thought you were totally insane! if i don't get some soon i may just go crazy myself!!!!
weigh in is less than 24 hours away and honestly, this is the first time i have actually thought about it. wonder if i will like what i see when i step on the plate? wow-just thinking about it has made me anxious-best not to dwell on it too much or it could have me running in a panic (towards Mickey D's! ) lol
gotta remember to laugh at myself through this.
sat on a bench by the lake today for two hours doing NOTHING. i dont DO nothing-it is a very foreign concept to me. i'm the one that has spent the past few years thinking a 40 hr work week was "part-time"- it was GREAT! sometimes not doing anything is doing every possible thing good for you!

Made it through DAY 4!

Well day 4 was not nearly as hard as I thought it might be. However, I had a lot of distractions and that helped in many ways. i didn't obsess today about food. :)
Reconnected with a dear friend today after 10 years of distance. Not intentional distance-just that kind that comes when life changes-as it always does.
Today is not about me. Maybe none of this is at all...
today is about love. love that spans the changes of life and time and space. love so strong that it empowers us to achieve things we otherwise may never try. love not held by the ties of marriage or birth, but by a friendship so valuable that it embodies the very existence of love.
i have a dear friend for whom i have much love. please pray for health and strength to flow through that body and mind and bring physical and emotional strength. thank you

grouchy today

today my patience level was very low. normally i am fairly tolerant-but not today. actually that's not true-it got worse towards the end of the day. i am fine when i don't think about what i am doing. it is when i focus on the fact that i let myself get to this point and what it may (or may not) take to get to where i need to be......
but i got myself here so i have it in my hands to get myself back.
time to reclaim myself-

end of day 2

ARGH! I made egg rolls for everyone-what the heck was I thinking? OMG- I wasn't even hungry before that-but after-----
I need to make arrangements with everyone in the house to fix meals and eat on their own-at least for a while until I can get past a certain point.
Getting away from the city for a while sounds like a great idea right now. Spiritual Shannon and I were talking about giving ourselves and some friends a "women only camp week". I think nothing could be better right about now.
Oh no-I just thought of something-a week away with a bunch of friends means lots of wine and or other tasty beverages and late night talks. I wonder if I will be able to drink wine or other worthwhile relaxing drinks by the time we go?!!! Hmm..this may put a wrench in things.
Well I just need to make sure that I am ahead of the curve by the time we go so that I can "relax" a little :)

DAY 2

well today has not been too bad. of course i have a slight headache from the caffeine withdrawls! how do you have a chain of coffee shops one moment and then cut off coffee the next??????!!!!!! insane! i miss a good cup of coffee in the middle of the day-i can have some but no cream and sugar-so what's the point!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH
cottage cheese? who eats cottage cheese-OMG that's so gross! Gotta find something to fill that space....
ok so what can i have? i think i am just being a little unreasonable right now

DAY 1 pics

ok this has been a horrendous morning! took day 1 pics this morning. i can't bring my self to post them, but this is the deal so here i go. i can only bear to show one from the back-its bad enough. after i make it through this for a couple weeks i will post others from day 1 for comparison. for now, this is all i can do.

DAY 1

Cleansing of the body, mind, soul and everything else that gets in the way!
Not sure if it was the SHOCK of the little amount of food I was allowed to eat for the day;
the fact that I had to ride clear across town in the brighest orange car covered in bumber stickers and slogans OR
the number on the scale when I did my initial weigh in!
hmmm riding in Brandy's car (pics tto follow this week) or seeing that I weigh more than I did when I was two weeks overdue and walked into the hospital to give birth to my son! wow-that's a tough one to pick :) I think the shock of the scale topped the day.
This is going to change more than just the number on the scale- I can feel it already....a cleansing of my living space, both within and on the surface....
Stretched out on the bed I could feel a shift, a visual cue of things to come-not the picture I had been trying to paint-but a work of art none-the-less. A little scary. A little unpredictable. A little exciting.

first appointment

Initial appointment at the clinic yesterday. Everyone was VERY friendly. I think I spent more time talking to both the staff and the doctor herself more than I have my own primary care physician in the last five years! They actually took the time to listen the the answers to the questions they posed to me. Novel idea. Program seems manageable enough to follow.
I really wasn't sure if it would actually make a difference to me whether or not there was an actual doctor runing the clinic-suprisingly, it did. I have been on thyroid medicine for about two years now, but never realy had a discussion of much substance with my doctor about it--what it was supposed to do, what I should expect to feel, etc. Dr. Lopez actually talked with me about what thyroid disease is and what my current medicine is designed to do. We even discussed other options in medicines. Not the end or beginning of the world, but definitly a point of diferentiation. I guess maybe it does matter that there is a doctor running the clininc. No firm decision on that yet, just thoughts.

My Weightloss Journey Begins

Who am I beyond the surface? There is a widely held perception that the package tells all. What do you see when you look at me? Who do I see when I look at me? Do we see the same thing? Is it the years creeping up? Is it the education and resume? Does any of that matter at all?
We have a predefined sense of beauty. In some ways we are much like the rest of the world-but in many ways we are not. We have a superficial view of the things we see. That is not necessarily a bad thing.
I have embarked on a new journey. After the past year of deceit from a business partner I have begun to look at what I see when I make contact with another. I am not talking about a "Blink" factor here-rather, something more, something deeper. (no offense to a master of the art of marketing and business).
This is my journey of weightloss, and hopefully something so much more.
If you want to join the contest-or just follow along on the daily work you can also find me on facebook: cassaundra stjohn