Saturday, February 28, 2009

day 2 of week 2

on a serious note: Although I had a good position and was well respected by my peers and all who had any work encounter with me, I held myself back. I couldn't fit into many of my nicer clothes and to put on a nice suit was out of the question! They hung in the closet as a constant reminder of who I was NOT. So I wore what would fit and acted as though that's exactly what I wanted. In a way it was-I'm definitely a jeans girl-but a nice tailored suit feels like butter on your back! Meeting with clients were messy days. What could I wear and still breathe? I had advanced as far as I was going to go.
An important meeting was coming up on the coast. The new guy (who was MANY rungs on the ladder and years my junior in the company)got to go with the boss. I prepared all the materials and sent them on their way. He fit in his nice suit. His appearance could help sell the concept. My resentment was seen by many. Although they said it was not because I didn't have the look to sell this big "client", I knew better. I once recommended a wonderful woman for an opening and was told she was nice and probably good, but she was "too big". I'm not complaining about THEM here- I am complaining about ME. The reality is that I need to make a change-not because of what someone said but because I need to know that I am doing all I can for MYSELF.
This is more than just about how I am seen in my profession. This is about how I feel when I see MYSELF. You can make the picture politically correct and talk about anything other than what it is.
The Attorney General said it well this past week: we need to talk about it. I HAVE BEEN A COWARD ! So I'm talking about this. I'm not a little chubby or just over worked or ANYTHING else! I started a 32 BMI. THAT IS OBESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I let myself get FAT because I was too LAZY to take care of myself. I spent too much time on everyone else and not enough on myself. So, I have taken a step toward LIVING. I'm not going to lie and say it is all a bed of roses but I'm not going to stop either.

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